18; IPx 3 but now free 😊 I Depression survivor and beating anorexia with every bite.
“You will miss her sometimes. Bear in mind she’s trying to kill you. Bear in mind you have a life to live.”
Contemplating completely destroying this account… i feel like I’ve had it for too long and it has too much info and I’m not sick enough to have a recovery account anymore (both positively and negatively)
I feel like death because I’m still recovering from my cold/flu but I just had a really great run, I had forgotten how much I love getting out in the cold and feeling muscles ache and strengthen 💪🏻
There are going to be relapses. But not every relapse will be the same and sometimes you won’t even realise it’s happened till you’re out the other side and back on the road to recovery.
There will be relapses where you won’t lose weight, where you gain and you try so desperately hard to remind yourself your behaviours are dangerous even though it’s not written out on your body this time.
There will be times people notice and times when they tell you how proud they are that it’s all in your past and it’s so good to see you getting better. You will bite your tongue. You will feel like you’re failing at failing.
There will be relapses where you hate that you’ve lost weight. You will be so frustrated about no longer being able to fill the clothes you only just bought for your newly acquired curves. You’ll wish you looked like the girls around you because you still associate size with normality. A healthy weight must mean a healthy mind? You know this is wrong.
It’s the same as when you relapse but for once want to recover, you realise that you are mentally stronger and closer to recovery than ever. Your treatment team think you’re lying because your illness can still be seen on your body.
You’ll wish you could eat normally and pretend like it never happened. But you still don’t feel safe and you still need to eat more because your metabolism is fucked and your dietician wants you up the BMI scale.
The same measurement we taught in science class at school and told how inaccurate it was at measuring health. This will become an irony you often laugh about behind the tears of frustration.
(via azzieee)
I just wanna be at uni at this point
I’ve always had back problems (nothing major though)… my hips used to be very tilted and uneven and I had to see a chiropractor and oesto a few times plus I had shingles and other back pains from sport (especially cricket)… I think it’s something I’ve had to come use to and I know the signs and how to stretch and it’s not much bother…
Anyway onto the actual point! I’ve done a lot of yoga in the past and it made massive improvements to my flexibility and hamstrings… but today I tried Pilates for the first time and I’ve never felt so loose and well stretched! My back feels amazing tonight :) she even noticed that I have an uneven strength between my hips and recommend ways to balance it in the exercises. I’ve been told Pilates is amazing for core strength, and I definitely think that is something I want (need?) to improve. Yay :)
I tried to make one of my classic Buddha bowls tonight but I really didn’t enjoy it and completely lost my appetite, so I did end up giving up on it. I just couldn’t see the point in forcing myself to eat something I didn’t like or have the appetite for. ☹️ which is weird because I’ve been quite hungry all day? (dw I had good snacks and lunch etc) I am just completely knackered, particularly because I’m getting over illness still but I went to a Pilates class this morning (it was amazing and can make a post if anyone’s interested) and then we went on a long dog walk too. Early night for me 😅 hoping to be motivated to run tomorrow morning aha
"…holding a book but reading the empty spaces."- Ray Bradbury
(Source: purplebuddhaquotes, via purplebuddhaquotes)
under a read more because this will be long but its pretty positive I think!
(Source: book-caps, via lovelystarrythoughts)
Tired ill and full of self loathing
my blood results have come back really quickly from this morning… and apparently I have low b12… which I only find odd because I’ve been eating vegan for a couple years now and this is the first time I’ve had this result and I actually am the least strict vegan I’ve ever been (not including time spent in ipatient)…*sigh* the report says it’s like dietary and I could take over the counter supplements :(
